You Can't Be Superwoman

I wrote this exactly one year ago (tomorrow), but never posted it.  I am still struggling with sharing my writing because they are intimate and don't like the feeling of being judged for what my heart feels.  Anyway.

We live in a society where women who are perceived as anything less than “Superwoman” is considered, well, exactly that…less than.  We have this notion in our head that as women, our value lies in how much is piled on to our plate -- how many social gatherings we are invited to and attend, how many circles of friends we stay active in, how many hours we spend at a job, how much time we spend maintaining a home and/or family, how organized our Pinterest boards are, and how many Pinterest crafts/recipes we attempt and successfully complete, all while looking put together (aka yoga pants don’t count as real clothes). 

We live for the Superwoman compliments.  How often do we feel validated when, as women, someone comments on our life with praise such as “you’re like Superwoman” or “how do you have time for all that?” or “omg you’re so busy”.  We find validation in “busy”.  We find purpose in doing a lot of things.  Somehow, quality has taken a backseat to quantity, and we thrive on adding one more to our to-do list and checking them off rather than on ensuring that we complete each task with conscientious care. 

Best Friend

Paul and I were at a wedding this past weekend.  It was a spectacular wedding that celebrated the love of two people that I can honestly say are perfect together.  They are not perfect people, but they are perfect as a couple, and I love the way they love each other.

We were sitting at our table for dinner, and an old friend of mine who had never met Paul before asked us about how we met.  He responded with one of the sweetest things I've ever heard him say.  He looked at me, then turned to my friend and said, "Christine is the first girl that's ever been my best friend."

I want to remember that very sweet moment forever, and writing it down is a sure-fire way to do so.

His love is loyal, forgiving, fierce, and unconditional.  I am blessed.

Gratitude

A lot to feel grateful for lately (in list form to avoid any potential melodrama):

• I found a new apartment....right next door to one of my best friends.  I've always lived with a roommate, so this will be my first time completely on my own.  I am looking forward to peace and quiet, and doing things on my own terms at all times.  However, should I get even a tad lonely or bored, Rachel is next door!
  
• Yesterday was National Teacher Appreciation Day.  I feel blessed to have had some of the most amazing human beings as my teachers, all of whom took an active role in nurturing me, shaping me, and empowering me to be whoever I want and all that I can.  I am also lucky to be surrounded by fellow teacher friends who commit their day, every day, to ensuring that the next generation makes this world a better place than when they entered it.  I am thankful to be in such company.  The responsibility is great, but my desire is greater.
  
• This weekend we'll be celebrating CADC's 20 year anniversary.  In a community where new teams pop up like pimples on a teenager's face, I am proud to have been part of an organization where history, tradition, and longevity are among our best qualities.
  
• Much. Needed. Date. Night. On. Thursday.
  
• Mike D'Antoni resigned as the Lakers coach.  Now if there was only some way to negate Phil Jackson's deal with the Knicks and bring him back to LA...
  
• Last, but certainly not least... While I won't get into the details, my sister recently (as in 2 days ago) found our long-lost cousins whom we haven't seen or had contact with in over 15 years.  The last we knew, they moved to the East Coast with their mom (their dad is our dad's brother), and communication was cut off.  Through fate's diligence and God's work, we found them.  I know that it'll be a slow transition to (hopefully) rebuilding a relationship with them, but I am hopeful and trust in the idea that we were brought together again for a purpose.  

Oh, happy day, my friends.

Student Stories

I was teaching a lesson on figurative language and poetic devices.  Every time I teach a poetry unit of any sort, I always use music because that's what kids know without realizing music is chock full of poetic elements.  As an assignment, students were assigned to go home, listen to their own music, and find lyrics that contain figurative language of some sort.  I told them that while I am very well aware that most songs these days have some type of inappropriate reference or language, that the portion of the lyrics turned in as their work must be clean of such things.

I then made the mistake of saying, "I know what music is like...I probably listen to a lot of the same music as you guys."

Laughter erupted.

Either I'm starting to look really old, or being a teacher automatically makes me an alien that doesn't do or like "normal" human things...

Thank You

8 letters.  2 words.  Within them, so much meaning.

"Thank You" can evoke powerful emotion within its two syllables, and yet, it sometimes just don't seem quite enough.  From acts as small as a stranger holding the door open for you, to those of great valor like all those who serve in our military...regardless of the type of act that warrants gratitude, we still use the same two words.

I will say one thing, though.  As a teacher, there are few greater moments in life than when a student says thank you..  Even better when that thank you is followed up with, "I really needed help on that, now I get it".  Oh, be still my heart!  Small moments.  Big picture.  Two small words.  One giant feeling of happiness.

Love Is All Around

I apologize for the lack of a more witty blog post title.  I'm not even sure who I'm apologizing to since nobody reads this but me at the moment.  Anyhow.  I'm stealing from the movie "Love, Actually" because my brain's creative light has been dimmed down for the evening.

The school I now work at serves a very different demographic of students than my previous school.  While I've worked with students who come from various backgrounds, this is my first time working with students  where the majority of them have endured great trauma and tragedy in their short lives.  This baggage is a part of who they are and they carry it with them into school every day.  While this may seem as a challenge (and you're right, it is), it is also an incredible opportunity disguised by layers of unfortunate circumstances, lack of a foundation, and hardship.  As their teachers, we have the meticulous job of peeling each layer and carefully revealing the real student underneath.  The student who maybe has never had a positive role model, the student who maybe has never had a permanent place to call "home", the student who has been taught to keep people out rather than allow them in, the student who has always been made aware of every wrong-doing in his life, but not the good, the student who has been told that there wasn't much hope for them -- underneath the tough exterior, they are young, sensitive, and craving for structure and positive attention.  What a special job we have.

In my short time at this school, I have already encountered situations and students that I would have never experienced at my previous school.  In just observing them, these students have already taught me so much.  I thought I was in tune with my surroundings and what was going on in my communities, but I have learned that I live in somewhat of a bubble.  If I had been through what some of these kids have at their age, I'm not sure that school would have been a high priority in my life either.  The sheer fact that they wake up every day and get to school is an achievement in and of itself, and for the ones who don't quite make it every single day...well, we're working on it.

I don't use this term loosely because I feel like society abuses it with overuse, but they really truly are inspiring.  One of our seniors is 17 years old, has a 2 year old baby, and takes 2 public buses to get to school.  She hasn't missed a day all year and will be graduating this May.  She's been accepted to CSULB, where she will be attending in the Fall.  Her attitude is empowering and makes me take a step back and evaluate my own attitude about life's short comings.  She refuses to be a victim of circumstance, and I surely can take a thing or two away from her example.

So the title of this blog post...I guess what I really should say is that Inspiration is all around.  We often look for the easy-to-spot kids who have tangible forms of achievement, and we label them as inspirational.  Granted, those kids who have worked hard for their GPAs, awards, and scholarships all deserve their recognition as well, but we cannot forget about the ones who seem more reluctant or hostile...the "at-risk" kids that schools often try to bury underneath all their success by numbers.  These kids also have so much to share, and they often come paired with an incredible story, and an openness that just needs a little TLC.

First Page, Next Chapter

It finally happened. 

I have a full time teaching position!  Without delving into old wounds and making this happy occasion a reminder of some very low places I went to within myself, I will say that I feel as though a big burden has been lifted from me.  It was an extend-my-arms-to-the-heavens-and-declare-"Hallelujah!"-moment.  I may or may not have done a happy jig by myself in the car when Pharrell's "Happy" came on the radio moments after getting the call.  Coincidence?  I think not.

I know the challenge is only beginning, and there will be many a gray hair-inducing days ahead of me.  And while the inevitable nerves have already started churning in my stomach, there is also a ferociously burning fire in my soul.  I pray that I can be the effective teacher I imagine myself to be.

With that said, I have come across so many amazing teacher blogs over the past year or two, all them so fabulously cute, informative, and so..."Pinterest"...for lack of a better word.  Some of these blogs are very focused in terms of its content, ranging from classroom organization and lesson plans to blogs dedicated to teacher wardrobes and outfit ideas.  I'm not confident that I could focus on just ONE aspect of teaching in this blog, so I'll just say now that I hope to make it a hodgepodge of teacher-related "stuff".  I hope to share the ups and downs of teaching high school, the hilarious anecdotes and student quotes that will inevitably follow, and whatever other teacher/education related things I find inspiring or hope to inspire with.

I am so looking forward to the personal and professional growth I will experience, and can't wait to meet my students!.  Here's to the first page of the next chapter. 

Itsy Bitsy Spider

I was standing outside this evening, and the sight of an ominous looking yellow spider caught my eye.  Half paralyzed in fear and half in intrigue, I stopped in my tracks and observed the ugly little creature for a few minutes.  I watched the spider spin its web of intricately woven silk, diligently crawling up and down to create its masterpiece.  It seemed like such a menial task and tedious task.  The silk so thin and delicate, that if a person or anything other than an insect was to accidentally pass through it, all the spider’s meticulous and conscientious work would be immediately destroyed. 

As I watched the spider repetitiously pull silk from post to post, I realized that although we usually view spider webs as an annoyance to our likeliness of the outdoors (don’t tell me you don’t go ape shit and flail your arms around like a maniac the moment you feel the slight stickiness of a spider web on you), the patience and painstaking work that a spider puts into its web is in all actuality, quite admirable.  The dull task of weaving silk back and forth, to and fro, while uninspiring on the surface, is in fact the kind of humdrum work required to create the web.  A small act for a much bigger picture.

I (almost) became completely absorbed in the spider’s work and then it dawned on me.  We are all spiders.  Itsy bitsy ones in this vast world, but nonetheless, spiders.  We go through each day having to muster up the enthusiasm and energy to pull our own fragile strings of silk across the many facets that make up our life all the while knowing damn well that at any moment, our hard work may be interrupted or torn down.  Sometimes the days become mundane, tasks lack excitement, and life tastes stale.  What we should remember, as this spider reminded me tonight, is that there is a much bigger picture to all that we do.  The hard work and diligence we exert now will create a masterpiece in the end.  It may not be the masterpiece we envisioned with the first pull of our web, but it's the masterpiece intended for us all along.  So long as we do our part, for our own individual lives and for the greater good of human kind. 

“Small acts, when multiplied by millions of people, can transform the world.”  -Howard Zinn

Fuck Cancer

On World Cancer Day...

For my grandfather who lost his battle to cancer.  And for my best friend who is fighting with a lightheartedness that most people struggle to find in their daily life, let alone when they are diagnosed with cancer.

"What Cancer Cannot Do"

Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit"

-Author Unknown

http://www.worldcancerday.org/

The Fear of Passion

Is it a risk not to have a Plan B?  What if I've been so focused on Plan A, the thing I am most passionate about, that not reaching that goal was never an option?  At what point do you say that enough is enough and it's time to move on?  Is there such a thing as moving on if it's the one thing in your gut that you know you were meant to do?

A goal without a timeline is just a dream. 

So how do I create a timeline?  How am I supposed to put an expiration date on my goal?  Would it be more brave for me to say "Ok, I tried.  I have to move on" or to keep on keepin' on?  

That is the fear of passion.  And the worst part?  No right answer.

My Tribe

Women who effortlessly exude the perfect balance of delicate vulnerability and ferocity.  Women whose bullshit tolerance is low and need to tell-it-like-it-is remains at a constant high.  Self-made and independent, but always mindful of the importance of a strongly woven net of relationships.  The movers, the shakers, the doers.  Women who talk the talk, walk the walk, and can do both simultaneously.  The goal-diggers who dream big with their head in the clouds, but keep their feet a sensible distance from the ground.  Women who refuse to live in fear, but rather, through it.  The women whose daily actions demonstrate that truly, 'she believed she could, so she did'.  Women who love hard and selflessly, but not carelessly.  Women who might have been torn down before, but cannot be destroyed.

This describes the tribe of women I am surrounded by, friends who inspire and empower me on a daily basis.  And for that, I am so thankful.

HERE WE GO AGAIN

I've kept some kind of blog since my freshman year of college.  Xanga was all the rage back then, and once I graduated from UCI, I also graduated myself from Xanga to Blogger, where I stayed loyal through my post-college move to San Diego.  When I felt it was time to move back home and start the grad school/credential process, I retired my blogging life.

I've tried to stay consistent in my writing, while not on an internet platform, although I can't say with confidence that I have succeeded.  I write when I feel as though the words flow easy, when I feel as though I have something "good" to say.  I realize now that just like anything else we are passionate about, writing takes practice, patience, and unrelenting honesty.  Sometimes, I think I avoid writing things down because there's a sense of totality that comes along with it.  If there's no record of it, I can pretend that it didn't happen, or that I don't feel a certain way.  It's a gross game of pretend that I play with myself, and frankly, it's self-deprecating and unhealthy.

So here I am.

I've made resolutions in Januarys of past to write more frequently.  This year, I want to stop being scared.  I want to be able to write freely, but more importantly, to write bravely.  I want to share my words, whether it be to entertain people, to provide insight, perspective, or as a vehicle for killing boredom.  I'm putting myself out there.

I've tried to consider a primary focus for this blog, but as I'm a complex person with many different parts that make up my life, I don't think it would be fair to limit myself here.  Obviously, some information will be withheld for personal caution, but I hope this blog will cover most of what is most important in my life.  It will include archived pieces I've written, commentary on new experiences, a lot of self-reflection, and whatever else I feel I want to document.  Most importantly, this blog will grow with me as I continue on this journey through growing up.

Hello, world.